May 1, 2012-- During an adorable Gerber oatmeal-banana lunchtime game of "Here comes the plane, open up the hatch.." with mom, Desmond utters his first words: "Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus." Mom runs to get the camcorder to come back and record what she is sure was the word "Mo-mmy", but just followed by the sound of the wind or something. She returns to film Desmond, still sitting in his high chair wailing his playful hands around everywhere, and begins filming. "What did we just say for our first word? Did we say "Mommy"?... Mo-mmy. Desmond, say Mo-mmy. Come on sweetie, say it for Daddy for when he gets home. Mo-mmy". Little Desmond looks curiously into the camera, stops waving his arms, widens his eyes, smiles wide, and in a new voice unlike his usual one, says "Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus." Emily's joy now turns into more of surprise at the sudden advanced clarity and eloquence coming from the mouth of such a young child. But it then turns into unsettling curiosity as to what she now knows is no wind. "Honey?... W-what did you say for Mommy?" The boy's still face now begins to turn creepy as his mouth further widens to an unnatural length, and his pupils begin to slowly dilate larger and larger, as he once again repeats "Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus." Emily's tone has changed. Emily now is slightly scared. "S..Sweetie..." Desmond interrupts, "Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus. Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus." His mouth has widened to a demonic grin, and his eyes are now completely pitch black. His entire little body is flailing amidst a growing maniacal laughter whose tone is growing more and more aggressive, as he now bellows, "Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus. Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus. Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus." 

 As Desmond repeats this phrase, the high chair suddenly begins to shake with his unnatural bodily flailings- his skin growing redder by the second. As his laughter intensifies, his voice grows menacingly darker... darker... "Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus. Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus. Senior diabolus mos exuro vos totus." It is now an almost low growling bass of the most evil of origins. Amidst the howls of this terrible laughter, the whole kitchen trembles, as an ominous cloud of black shadow begins swirling just under the roof above DJ's head. Pots and pans are lifted right up from the counters and cabinets. His baby toys and water bottle now floating in mid-air, orbiting the child's body, as his laughter grows more and more threatening. Two light bulbs in the kitchen explode.

 The sounds of Hell can now be heard bellowing throughout the house; the black swirl now circling six times its' original size now sixty-six feet above the house, as Emily runs for her life outside the house and into the neighbor's. Once inside, amid the worried the neighbors, she desperately grabs for a phone and dials Father O'Bennigan.

  
  In about twenty minutes a black Ford Taurus pulls up at the neighbors house, and Father O'Bennigan, along with his apprentice William Mulligan and Dr. Egon Spengler- Paranormal Psychologist, hop out of the car and make their way towards the neighbor's door, where they comfort the hysterical mother, and then, carefully make their way into the now sinking, warped house, drenched with the sounds of hell...

With Father O'Bennigan courageously leading the pack, Crucifix extended forth by his right hand and an opened bible held up under his left one, they enter. Right inside the living room they spot a group of ominous creatures hanging from the ceiling."Holy Hanging Batcreatures Father O'Bennigan, what are those things??", William Mulligan wondrously exclaims. "Those, William, are "Fire Keese". I've read of them in my past studies of the ancient Christian-Hyrulean texts. Tread carefully son, for once they sense unwanted company come close enough, they will swoop down and attack. Merciful Mary, never would I have imaged actually seeing them in my lifetime." He slowly crawls near them, raises his cross and begins reading from his bible "I banish you creatures to th....." "Wait just a second Father!" interrupts Dr. Spengler. Fire Keese dont respond to biblical verses. The bible is of no use on these." Father O'Bennigan looks back at Dr. Spengler, looks back up at the keese, lowers his cross and carefully steps back to safer grounds. "Then what, pray tell, Dr. do you suggest we do?" Dr. Spengler raises his trusty Proton Pack, flips the switch on, and continues "There's only one way to take out Fire Keese Father. Firstly, it'll be much better for us if we don't wake them. I'll slowly go around the left side, while you go around the right side. William, you film all this on the Jesuscam. We'll need this footage to warn the the rest of the world. I have a pretty bad feeling this kid could be The Om...LOOK OUT!!" 

  The three weren't quiet enough. As Dr. Spengler spoke to the group, two fire keese became aware of them and are now darting towards the trio. With no time to lose, Dr. Spengler quickly steps in front the Deitynamic Duo, raises his Proton Pack, and yells "FOLLOW MY LEAD!" He quickly fires a powerful blast from his Proton Pack and manages to capture the keese with the beam, paralyzing them in mid-flight. "Quick Father, now, Z-Target them with your Wiimote!!" Father O'Bennigan fumbles through his Pewtility Belt, and finds his Wiimote. He points it up towards the keese, and presses the Z button, enveloping both in a yellow circle. "GOOD! Now, pull out your Master Cross, and hack away at them before they escape my beam!" The priest dutifully follows suit. He raises the Master Cross, and in two fell swoops destroys the keese, turning them into a cloud of purple smoke that wafts out of existence. Dr. Spengler withdraws his beam and suddenly all is quiet again, except for the sounds of nearby dancing flames. The group breathes a sigh of relief, William does that pray in the name of the Father gesture Christians are known for with his right hand, as he holds the Jesuscam with his left one. Father O'Bennigan collects the blue rupee has fallen out of one of the keese, and the three cautiously continue treading onward, to the kitchen. 

  It is there they are greeted with a fully possessed Desmond- now standing, floating in mid air. Pots and pans, forks and knives are now rotating around him. His face has become a dark green, and his head is rotating in 360 degree circles, as it projectile vomits all over the kitchen. The highchair is now a wooden rubble, piled up in a small burning mound. Flames are dancing all across the corners of the kitchen, with countless locusts hopping around the walls. The trio stop just short of the kitchen door. Believing they have not been spotted yet, Father O'Bennigan draws up his bible, and inches his way towards the scenery before them. But just then, Desmond stops projectile vomiting, and, head still spinning, bellows menacingly: "OOOOOooooo'BbbEnnN-iiiii-gGaaAnNnNnnnn". Father O'Bennigan, nervously inches closer and enters the room, bible in one hand, Master Cross in the other. Tiny specs of flames dance lightly around him, as he begins reading from the Holy Book "Demon..I cast you out, and place you under the feet of Jesus Christ, so that you leave this house, and this family alone, forever, in the name of the Father..." Desmonds' head stops spinning. Hos mouth is gaped open, and he begins emitting a low, but growing, growling noise. O'Bennigan continues, "..., The Son, and The Holy Ghost. You are not welcome here. I banish you from this place, from these peop....." " ¡Vos volutabrum mos intereo sub ira of Diabolus! " Desmond barks out, in what appears to be to low demonic voices speaking at once. "What is your name beast?!", Father O'Bennigan demands. Desmond's pupils now begin spiraling up and into the back of his head and towards his brain, then back out from underneath, and then back up again.. "Father O'Bennigan repeats his demand, louder "What is your name!!"....... The twin voices begin speaking, "My NnnaaAamMmMeE..... My nNaAAmMMmEe.....isssSs..... MmmiiIllLleEeEyYYy CccCcCiiirRrrUuSssSsSsss."

  Father O'Bennigan, shocked, turns to his assistants, "Oh no. Jesus Mary Mother of Mercy.... "What is it Father?", William asks? "It's a Miley Cyrus- the worst kind of demon there is. It is absolute, pure evil, knowing no decency or mercy. It sucks the good out of anything and anyone without hesitation." "That's horrible!" Says Dr. Spengler. "Yes Dr... a Miley Cirus truly is the most horrible, wicked thing ever to demonize this planet. Father O'Bennigan looks back at the shituation in the kitchen, sighs, then turns again to his assistants. "So, how are we gonna handle this?" "What about a bottle of Holy water?" "It's too little water for too powerful a monster. All it would do is make it angrier and cause further destruction. Dr. Spengler, what of your Plasma Pack?" "The energy in this pack isn't enough to contain any fit of rage from a Miley Cirus. It would overpower the beam and possibly escape, spreading around the neighborhood and wreaking untold amounts of its havoc into God knows how many young children." They ponder for about a minute until Dr. Spengler exclaims "Wait just a minute! My Plasma Pack might be too weak to face this monster alone, but if we combine it with the Holy Water, theres a very good chance that the plasma inside will multiply the Holiness inside the water, which will in turn strengthen the beam. The combined force should be enough to fully paralyze the being!" "...And Father, didn't you say the other day that a Biblical verse said in LOLSpeak is four times as powerful as one said in modern languages??" an inspired William quickly notes. Father O'Bennigan's face lights up, "Aye Indeed it does William! Good work laddie!" O'Bennigan reaches back into his Pew-tility Belt, and pulls out a five oz bottle of Holy Water he whipped up that very morning in the church. "are you ready Dr. Spengler?" Dr. Spengler raises his Proton Pack. "Ready as I'll ever be." Father O'Bennigans explains "Right, then lets cast off this wicked damnation sonuvabitch into kingdom come. They enter the room, Proton Pack ready, Holy Water at hand, camera rolling. "Right then!" O'Bennigans announces, "CYRUS! I BANISH U 2 HELL FOUL DEMUNZ, IN DA NAYM OV JEBUS...." But the priest gets cut off short as the Desmond's twin voices yell "EDO EDI ESSUM!" 

  As if on cue, swarm of locusts descends unto the trio in a monstrous wave. Father O'Bennigans draws his Master Cross, and begins hacking away at them furiously, "EGON, SHOOT NOW!!" Dr. Spengler fires his plasma gun at the Demon Cyrus. In defense, the demon child begins whizzing around the room, avoiding the powerful blast vividly following him around the room. He's knocking shit over as the whips around for his life, burning in flames everything he touches. The pots and Pans and forks and knives circling the child now begin spinning rapidly, and he tosses a projectile pan straight at Spengler, narrowly missing him, but just enough to knock him off guard and interrupt the beam. Demon Cyrus takes advantage of this window of opportunity to raise himself to the middle of the room, extend his limbs outward, and surround himself in a ball of purple fire. He begins laughing again..

 (REMAINING WRITTEN ACCOUNT PENDING APPROVAL FROM GOVERNMENT...)